Blog # 182 January 30, 2012 - I've always wanted to write. I started my first novel when I was ten. I wrote really terrible poetry as a teenager (but then again, who didn't). My Grade 7 teacher Mrs Joy told my mother that my English essays were the only thing that made her laugh out loud that entire teaching year (to be fair, this comment was second-hand by way of my mother....and Mrs. Joy was gone most of that year after having a nervous breakdown). After years of writing for my education and for my work, I finally started this blog and found my voice and I loved writing...every single entry ...and let's face it, some were pretty tedious. But somewhere along the way in the last year it all just got away from me as I got bogged down in all this stupid house/moving/renovation/job loss/employment search. I lost my interest and my creativity.But a funny thing happened today - two people on the same day both asked me about my writing and when I was going to get started again....and for the first time in months I felt like I wanted to say something. My friend Connie (she who first told me to write, and keeps telling me to write) sent me this to inspire me - by Yehuda Berg:
"Like all complicated questions, the secret to happiness is simple: know why you are here. When you clearly see, and recognize as a truth the nature of your duty in the world, doubts & depression shed off your soul like the skin of a snake."
I don't really know what it means ...but this combined with an email from my Creative Writing teacher asking me when I was going to start blogging again was enough to get me going and ask the question - why am I here? and what the f**k am I doing?
This all It hit me today while I was out walking (finally getting outside after two weeks of being stuck inside due to bad weather and bad health) and I realized that I am living in fear. I am scared to death...of never getting a job, of losing our home, of not being successful (not that I was ever the poster child for success), of failure, of letting down my family and losing face....of being the last man standing without a job. Of looking like a fool.
And this fear is getting in the way of my writing because I feel like I can't be honest and can't write in my own voice...I must keep a brave face, stiff upper lip, look on the bright side, just be grateful for what I have...etc etc. But you know what? .... f**k it. I'm going to start writing and I'm going to be honest and I don't care if it is embarassing, or awkward or if my stiff upper lip quivers. If I can't be honest now, in my fifties....when can I be?
So I am going to do that thing that I love, the thing that gives my life meaning and form and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning....I'm going to write....starting with this blog and from here on in, it will be is honest and truthful and fearless (and hopefully funny) and no matter what happens next, it will be another chapter in my very real life. and it probably won't be about weight loss.
So, if you are interested, stay tuned, but I'm writing for myself and it might get messy and uncomfortable and well, boring, so please be forewarned.
I must say thanks to all of my friends who support me endlessly (and I know it's not always easy) and my husband and son who love me no matter what....but a special shout out to Connie and to Stephanie who, for whatever reason, picked today to say the right thing at the right time to get me to start writing again.
ps - I know I've used this image before but I really love it and it speaks to me, enjoy.
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