Writing Myself Thin

Anybody still out there?

Blog # 182 January 30, 2012 - I've always wanted to write. I started my first novel when I was ten. I wrote really terrible poetry as a teenager (but then again, who didn't). My Grade 7 teacher Mrs Joy told my mother that my English essays were the only thing that made her laugh out loud that entire teaching year (to be fair, this comment was second-hand by way of my mother....and Mrs. Joy was gone most of that year after having a nervous breakdown). After years of writing for my education and for my work, I finally started this blog and found my voice and I loved writing...every single entry ...and let's face it, some were pretty tedious. But somewhere along the way in the last year it all just got away from me as I got bogged down in all this stupid house/moving/renovation/job loss/employment search. I lost my interest and my creativity.But a funny thing happened today - two people on the same day both asked me about my writing and when I was going to get started again....and for the first time in months I felt like I wanted to say something. My friend Connie (she who first told me to write, and keeps telling me to write) sent me this to inspire me - by Yehuda Berg:

"Like all complicated questions, the secret to happiness is simple: know why you are here. When you clearly see, and recognize as a truth the nature of your duty in the world, doubts & depression shed off your soul like the skin of a snake."

 I don't really know what it means ...but this combined with an email from my Creative Writing teacher asking me when I was going to start blogging again was enough to get me going and ask the question - why am I here? and what the f**k am I doing?

This all It hit me today while I was out walking (finally getting outside after two weeks of being stuck inside due to bad weather and bad health) and I realized that I am living in fear. I am scared to death...of never getting a job, of losing our home, of not being successful (not that I was ever the poster child for success), of failure, of letting down my family and losing face....of being the last man standing without a job. Of looking like a fool.

And this fear is getting in the way of my writing because I feel like I can't be honest and can't write in my own voice...I must keep  a brave face, stiff upper lip, look on the bright side, just be grateful for what I have...etc etc. But you know what? .... f**k   it. I'm going to start writing and I'm going to be honest and I don't care if it is embarassing, or awkward or if my stiff upper lip quivers. If I can't be honest now, in my fifties....when can I be?

So I am going to do that thing that I love, the thing that gives my life meaning and form and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning....I'm going to write....starting with this blog and from here on in,  it will be is honest and truthful and fearless (and hopefully funny) and no matter what happens next, it will  be another chapter in my very real life. and it probably won't be about weight loss.

So, if you are interested, stay tuned, but I'm writing for myself and it might  get messy and uncomfortable and well, boring, so please be forewarned.

I must say thanks to all of my friends who support me endlessly (and I know it's not always easy) and my  husband and son who love me no matter what....but a special shout out to Connie and to Stephanie who, for whatever reason, picked today to say the right thing at the right time to get me to start writing again.

ps - I know I've used this image before but I really love it and it speaks to me, enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Social Media Smash Down

Blog #181 October 19, 2011 - I spent all day yesterday attending a “Social Media” workshop, shut up in a windowless ballroom at the local Marriott hotel with 159 other hapless souls, desperate to figure it all out. Billed as everything you need to know about Facebook, Twitter and a long list of other social media tools, the room was filled with the middle-aged and the technologically resistant.

The older woman sitting in front of me was very vocal about her unhappiness in being here. “My company is making me take this, I don’t want to be here, there is NO way I am going to understand this stuff.” The person sitting beside her moved ever so slightly away, as though to distance himself from such “old fogey-ness.”

I didn’t really want to be there either, but as somebody looking for a job in the communications field, I need to get up to speed on social media very, very quickly – I get asked about my experience with it in job interviews and I can’t keep faking it. Sooner or later somebody is going to “twig” that I don’t “tweet”. Sorry about the pun but you have to laugh…. don’t you?

It was a harrowing experience, finally in desperation I had to put my hand up to ask what a hash tag was, it seemed key to entire twitter experience. Everyone else in the room appeared to know, or if they didn’t know, they were doing a good job of pretending they did. The presenter looked at me, was that pity I saw in her eyes? She explained it to me v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y. I hope the humiliation at exposing my ignorance at least helped others. Even if nobody else was ‘fessing up.

 I kept at it, sticking my hand up (and my head out) to ask questions. Then I realized at the end of the day that this is a very small city, and in fact, I may have exposed myself to the very people I want to impress at job interviews.  I would hate to walk into a meeting and have someone say “Weren’t you the lady at that conference who kept asking all those stupid questions?” Oh dear, too late now. I will have to deny that I was there.

It was a long day.  I went home, poured a glass (or two) of wine and thought about how it all went. I know my way around the lingo now. I plan to start tweeting soon (I wonder what I can possibly say in 140 characters or less?) and I finally know what a hash tag is. And  no, it has nothing to do with illegal drugs, which is the image I conjure up every time I hear that phrase (I’m such a product of the 70’s).

It’s a brave new world...and I need to be part of, even if I only have 140 characters to tell you about it. Tweet  Tweet.

 

 

Trash TV as Tranquilizer

Post #180 October 14, 2011

I admit it, I love watching TV. Not only are there many, many quality TV dramas to watch...I have discovered reality TV. I don't mean Survivor or American Idol or Dancing with the Stars....I mean the wonderful world of trashy chick TV.

With our move to Victoria, we decided to get cable (we've been a "rabbit ears", 4 channel family for the past 15 years) but with the advent of digital TV we decided to take the leap and get cable. and no big surprise,  I have embraced the world of Home and Garden TV and TLC (The Life Channel).

This has coincided with my recent unemployment, which has freed up countless hours of television viewing time. Having now seen pretty well every episode of every show on HGTV (which really isn't saying much, as far as I can tell they only make 12 episodes of each show and then show them in constant rotation) I have moved onto the The Life Channel and their endless array of trash TV...geared for chicks.

For instance, Say Yes to the Dress. Now, my friends and family are horrified that I have sunk to this level of TV viewing...but what could be more dramatic....more entertaining ...more surprising...than watching women trying on wedding gowns. There are the mothers who help, the mothers who hurt. Nasty maids of honor, crying fathers, breakdowns, laughter, budget blowouts and campy gay guys who are the fashionistas. It has everything a prime time drama could ask for - but available for viewing during the day! What better way to spend those long hours when I am trying to avoid thinking about my job hunt than to tranquilize myself with the television version of chick lit.

 Another guilty pleasure is Four Weddings - four brides go to each others' weddings and then score them....and the bride with the highest score wins a honeymoon trip. What an opportunity for bitchiness....not to mention an amazing glimpse into that North American ritual, the BIG wedding. Think of it as anthropoligcal study.

I know, I know. Not only is it not very productive...it is mind numbing. But perhaps that's what I need right now -some numbing, take your mind off your problems TV.... watching somebody else's problems.

I know I will get a job, and then I will get off the couch and turn off the TV...but for now, step away from the remote, there's a Say Yes to the Dress marathon today.

 

Top 10 lists - why?

Blog #179 - October 6, 2011 - I've been reading lots of magazines lately - partly because I have the time (you can only job hunt for so many hours a day) and also because I am taking a writing course and want to explore writing for lifestyle publications.... the one thing I've noticed is how magazines LOVE the top 10 list. Many many articles feature top 10 lists devoted to various trends - top 10 appliances, top 10 winter coats, top 10 cookies to bake, top 10 ways to ruin your children...you get the picture. But for some reason, the one that really caught my eye this month is in Canadian House and Home Magazine - they interview a designer and ask him for his top 10 picks of a list of items including:         Motto/Designers/Music/Shoes/Books/Chair/Rug/Store/Bed/Most Treasured object/

I know the list is supposed to not only provide insight into the personality of the designer but also to showcase the "coolest of the cool" that only interior designers might know ....so that we can all be in with the in-crowd. I can't help but think that list is carefully scrutinized by his publicist to ensure the "right" image is conveyed. But then I also don't believe that the celebrities featured in Oprah's "Books that changed my life" actually chose the books they SAY they read....but that's just cynical me.

I looked at the list and thought it might be fun to answer all those myself...so here is my own personal response to their list " Top 10 Picks of mine"

1. Motto - It's 5 o'clock somewhere.

2. Designers - does the guy who designs the clothes for Superstore count?

3. Music - anything from the 70's...especially from '74 - '76.

4. Shoes - inside the house, fuzzy slippers...for outside footwear I like to shop at "Walk in Comfort"

5. Books - currently reading a series of mystery novels set in Iceland full of unpronounable names and the currency in kronors. I have no idea how much a kroner is worth so it's hard to gauge how big the crime is when money is involved.

6. Chair- I personally prefer sofas, leather if possible.

7. Rug - ? the less vacuuming the better I say.

8. Store - Winners and Homesense....with a visit to Pottery Barn to steal ideas for  things I can try to find cheaper at Homesense.

9. Bed - yes, for at least 8 hours if I can get it.

10. Most treasured objects - right now I'm really in love with my battery powered flameless candles but I'm sure by tomorrow it will be something else. I also treasure my brown and white transferware turkey platter that belonged to my grandmother that I only get to use once a year - why don't we have turkey more often I wonder?

As you can see, the list is whatever you make it - although I love the neatness of it. Try it. It's not as easy as it looks.

wow - I was right....a year and a half ago

Blog # 178 September 12, 2011

I was going through my old blogs today, reviewing where I've been and trying (hopefully) to get some idea of where I'm going...when I came across this post from April 2010 (that's a year and a half ago) where I consider the possibility of a change in jobs...I was surprised to see that I was talking about this that long ago.

Here's what I had to say oh so long ago...and this is the image that went along with the post.

Blog #86 - April 14, 2010

It's merger mayhem around my office these days (well actually, I work from a home office so I don't get to experience the mayhem in person - only vicariously...by phone).

The organization I work for is merging with a sister company. After talking about it for years, to the point where none of us believed it would actually happen, it looks like is going to go through...and it's coming fast - by the end of June. Yikes.

and we've gone from those reassuring words that nobody will lose their job, to the announcement last week that if there isn't a job for "you" there will be severance packages.

So, since the news last week, I have been on the phone with numerous colleagues and we have come up with approximately 328 different ways this could go down. and of course everyone is sure they are either losing their job/getting a promotion/will have a new boss they hate... or all of the above.

In my thirteen and half years with this organization, I have been through four wholesale re-organizations and numerous mini-orgs. I have reported to 7 different people and seen 100% turnover. So I try to take a pragmatic approach to whatever is coming next. I have, indeed, seen it all before.

But there is a tiny voice in my head that says "What if THIS TIME you get laid off?" ..."what if you have to look for a job, for the first time in fourteen years", "what if you have to put on panti-hose and hard shoes and work in an office again"???? Do people hire middle aged women? then I would have to figure out a new photocopier, how to work a strange coffee machine - can I make nice with people again? After five years in a home office, do I know how to be an office person?......

Back to September 2011 - and as it turned out, nine staff including me are not part of the new organization as they work towards consolidation into one location.

Initially I was surprised and upset, even angry - after fifteen years with one organization it doesn't feel very good not to be asked to come along. It's like being a kid again and not invited to the party, or being  picked last for the baseball team. But after a month of absorbing the news I find that I am more than ready for a change in my life and I'm excited about the possibilities. New city, new home and now new job. I also have the time to look for the right job and to spend time writing...which I am very excited about.

You know what Oprah says - midlife is the second chapter and it's all about reinvention, following your bliss etc. etc.

 and I'm ready for the challenge - yes it might mean panti-hose and learning how to work a photocopy machine (do they still have those?) but it also means meeting new people and taking on new challenges.

So, for now, I'm feeling very positive...but stay with me and see if I feel the same way after six months!

I'm back...and it's a fresh start

Sept. 9, 2011 - well I'm back. It's been about five months since my last post. It is not only a case of being too busy to post, with all the stuff going on in my life I simply lost interest. It's not that I ran out of things to say (that will never happen), but I was too tired/stressed/angry/confused and brain-dead to be able to express myself. I am in a very different place now (literally and figuratively) and decided to get back to it.

A quick review - we sold our little  yellow house and moved to a new city. We completely renovated our new house (before and after photos will be coming) in our new city from top to bottom...at huge expense. We moved our kid from one school to another. My husband left his work behind while I took mine with me. Then recently, due to a merger and downsizing I lost my work...bitterly and unexpectedly.  

So, here I am, a mid-life woman with a husband and teenager and large dog. Still chubby ....and now unemployed...living in a new house in a new city. hmmm, this should make for some interesting posts (if chubby middle-aged unemployed women are of interest to you).

I have much to talk about - from the painful experience of selling our house and moving, the renovation, adjusting to life in a new place and now looking for a job. I originally started this blog as a tool for weight-loss. It has become so much more...a place to share and vent and write and be heard. So while the name might be writingmyselfthin...it is really more about writingmyselfanything. But bear with me because I bought the domain name writingmyselfthin so I am sticking with it.

What next you ask? I'm not sure, but I hope you continue to read my blog.

Image credit: jordanlenay.tumblr.com

Cold Comfort

Post #176 February 21

It's snowing, it's cold, it's not supposed to be like this.

The snowdrops are blooming and I even saw an open crocus in my garden yesterday. The winter greens display at the front door has been replaced by colourful primulas - I am ready for spring....and more importantly we are ready for the spring real estate selling season!!!

Our house has been up for sale for ten days and no offers yet. In the supposedly HOT Vancouver market where homes go for multiple offers after one day... we are still waiting for ours. So yes, stress levels are up.

So with temperatures plunging and stress levels rising what is the answer? I'll tell you! Comfort Food.

I haven't talked much about food and eating lately but it's not because I'm not doing it. They don't call it comfort food for nothing.

All I want to eat these days are things like homemade tuna casserole, braised meat dishes, rich creamy soups and pasta. The cold weather...the long winter ...the stress of selling our house and moving...all create the perfect storm for carbohydrates.

I make the best homemade tuna casserole if I do say so myself - with cream of mushroom soup and frozen peas...just like recipes from the 50's. yum. I crave scalloped potatoes with topped with melt-y sharp cheddar. I really want to make my friend Lesley's chorizo sausage and white bean and  fennel stew. I live for creamy risotto. I yearn for braised short ribs with garlic mashed potatoes. Rosemary pot roast with root vegetables. Roast chicken and brussel sprouts. well, you get the picture.

Something has to give - the weather, the house sales or my pants. I need to get back to fresh salads and lean proteins and long walks with the dog.

Bring on the spring and please....somebody buy our house!

 

 

Clearing out Little Yellow House

 Post # 175 February 13, 2010 - here it is, our Little Yellow House ready for sale.

We had our first Open House yesterday - we had less than three weeks to get the house ready for sale. I have now used two weeks of my annual allotment of four weeks vacation. sigh.

Anyone who has been to our place knows what a sweet charming cottage bungalow it is...and how full of STUFF it is - over 1500 square feet and only three people living it, but boy we have a lot of stuff. I think because we both work from home (I'm a corporate writer, my husband is a musician) so we are both home all day long with all of the stuff we need to do our jobs. Our teenage son has always been a collector starting with stuffies and costumes, moving through lego and action figures (don't even get me started on Pokemon cards) and now hundreds of games and accessories for all his video gaming equipment. Oh, and a 100-lb german shepherd who loves his toys.

and I am a mad collector of vintage china.

First thing we had to do as they say in the "staging" world is de-clutter. Nobody wants to look at your crap... you need to make your space look as big and impersonal as possible.

So the first thing we did was rent a "POD" - basically a giant wooden box that gets parked in front of your house, you fill it up and they take it away and store it.

And fill it up we did - 25 boxes of books, furniture, more and more boxes of china, framed photos, boxes of loose photos (to go into the album one day), boxes of CD's, and just plain stuff - by the end we were throwing anything that wasn't absolutely essential into the POD - filled it up and away it went.

Ah the lightness of de-cluttering, how fantastic. Of course we are now living in house where we don't have enough chairs for us all to sit down at the same time, but never mind, the living room looks great - here it is, as empty as humanly possible.

 The rest of the house was similarly de-cluttered. The storage room upstairs full of old toys, costumes and board games....closets full of never worn clothes and bedding. My office - the dumping ground for anything that might have to be dealt with at some time in the future....all emptied.

It took four trips to the thrift store (including one trip just with the teal green pleather love seat that we had at one time was just the thing for the kid's playroom upstairs), four trips to the dump (the best time to go is during the superbowl - I literally had the place to myself, even got to chat with one of the dump guys), and many trips to the box store to buy more boxes.

The room that almost killed me was our laundry room. My Waterloo. I almost gave up that day. A mudroom/laundry room at the back door that had been the dumping ground for everything you could ever imagine...and some things you couldn't. It is my proudest achievement. It looks so good now we thought we could even advertise it as a den...or a separate living space for your pet.

Here it is - anyone who has ever been to my house will be shocked when they see this. Truly a miraculous feat - one that I will never forget.

Now that we are de-cluttered, it was time to clean before the big day.

I never thought of myself as a real neat freak - or somebody who was particularly not neat either. We dusted, vacuumed, washed floors and sanitized bathrooms regularly and our house, while wouldn't win the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, I didn't think was all that bad.

Until we called in the expert. My friend Barb.

Equipped with a carpet cleaner and the most fantastic vacuum cleaner I have ever seen, this one-woman cleaning tornado took my house to a height of cleanliness I did not think possible.

Barb (along with my friend Karen who manned the bathrooms) and I whipped this place into shape - I was staggered by how much better it looked. I knew it was time to quit when I caught Barb trying to clean the top of a baseboard with a sock - that was still on her foot.

The final touches, hiding every single appliance so there is nothing on the kitchen counters....what is this room for people will wonder...and where is the coffee maker, the kettle, the toaster, all the kitchen stuff.... heheheh all carefully concealed in the pantry (please don't open those cupboards)

the final touches included fresh flowers in every room, bowls of fresh fruit on the counter, my signature "Pellegrino" bottles with limes and glasses on the counter (all in my fave lime-y green colour) to set off the tiles.

It was a very very rain-y day yesterday for the first open house so we lit a fire in our (very rare in Vancouver) wood burning fireplace and left the house in the hands of our very capable realtors, Don and Bridget Ross (www.bridgetross.com)

and out we went. Apparently things went well, two families are coming back today for another look and we'll see what happens.

It is hard to live in the house while trying to keep it perfect - another open house today - so we are going out for breakfast to cut down on the mess. Then another round of "fluffing" before we leave our house again to the publice... we are off to the movies to keep our mind off how it's going.

More to come on what we hope will be an exciting sale to come this week!!!

 

Sold on Verrinder

 Post #174 February 10th - Here it is, our new home in Victoria on Verrinder Street in the neighbourhood of Rockland.

Monday we "removed the subjects" as they say in real estate lingo and we take possession the first week of May.

This photo doesn't do the house justice, but clearly it's a 70's house which is a real departure for us. For the past thirteen years we have been living in a charming cottage bungalow, our "Little Yellow House".

We wanted a real change, something bigger and more modern. Not a Vancouver special, or one of the monster homes that have sprung up everywhere over the past twenty years, but something with bigger rooms and a functional layout. This home is perfect.

Well, perfect may not be the exactly right word because this house has not been touched since the 70's and needs some major updating.

For instance, here is a photo of the living room - note the orangey shag carpeting and the gigantic "rock" face fireplace and all the delicious red panelling.

That lovely fireplace facing is just that - a facing. The "rock" is some kind of faux material - feels like papier mache...and the entire facing will just lift off.

I am planning to replace with tile and drywall but open to any ideas if you would like to share.

All the carpeting in the house will come up (and there is lots and it's all different) and will be replaced with wood floors in most rooms - again my question is, hardwood or laminate?

Can I live with laminate? the difference in cost will pay for a new kitchen - anybody have any experience with laminate?

and speaking of kitchens, here is mine:

So reminiscent of my high school days.

I'm thinking white cupboards and black countertops - there is a gigantic black rock right outside our dining room window so the white counters will be bring in the light while the black counter will pay hommage to the gigantic black rock that is our neighbour.

Bedrooms and bathrooms are basic 70's style and easy to update with new carpeting and quick Home Depot fix to the bathrooms.

But, here is our teen's room - it was originally the living room but was turned into a bedroom and it will give him tons of room for all his video stuff...and no, he will not be allowed to have a fire in that fireplace.  So lot's to do - we'll start with dry wall and flooring and see where the budget goes from there.

The best part is all the space - we will have a dedicated guest room (for all our dedicated friends) as well as each having our own office, a living room and a den.

We love our den and plan to christen the "Hugh and Jackie Memorial den" in honor of my in-laws who always had a special room they could sit in and hang out together, for their morning coffee and newspaper reading and then later for their 5 o'clock cocktail, it was their together space...and now we have one! Here's a photo:

note that (much to my husband's disappointment) we will not be keeping the wagon wheel lighting fixture).

Lots of work but it will be fun - right now I have to go and get our house ready for selling - first open this weekend. I have lots of posts coming that describe our house selling experience in a red hot Vancouver market place - can you say STRESS?

New Beginnings

Blog # 172 February 6, 2010 -

Forgive me faithful followers, it has been 17 days since my last posting and we have been busy.

After much thought, sleepless nights, countless bottles of wine and endless discussion we have decided to move to Victoria on Vancouver Island this spring.

There are many reasons for this - we had always intended to move to Victoria once our kid was through high school...but recently started thinking why not go now?

High school starts in Grade 9 so it will be a perfect time for our teen to start high school with all the other teens - including, but not limited to, his toddler best friend who moved there several years ago.

The real estate market in Vancouver is insane, we can sell our house for a healthy profit and intend to buy something with lots more room ( need more space for teenager activities) and something with a basement suite we can rent out to generate more income for our fast approaching old age.

We are ready for a change. The last several years have been stressful, tiring and difficult - time to make a change and start over somewhere new. Let's get up and go while we still have some "get up and go" left. My husband has lived in many different places (born and raised in Chicago) including living  in Victoria for several years. While I, with the exception a brief stint in the suburbs in my formative teen years, have always lived within five miles of where I grew up in Vancouver - time to expand my horizons!

Why Victoria? - we love it there, our favourite place in the world is just outside Victoria - Point-no-Point...and we are lucky, we already have many friends there so it will be an easy transition.

Anybody who knows this part of the world also knows that moving from Vancouver to Victoria is not like moving to completely different place. But there will be many differences. For instance, Victoria is on an island and we will have to take a boat to get back to the rest of Canada.

It is a much smaller city and there are many, many old people (it is the retirment capital of Canada). They drive very slowly and like to do their grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day. It can be very annoying. However, soon we will be old people and we will fit right in.

Everyone there is white - well maybe not everyone but it sure isn't very ethnic. We live in a very multi-cultural world here in Vancouver and it will be very different to be in the majority instead of the minority (my son has been one of only five caucasion kids in his class since kindergarten) - this will take some getting used to. We will need to wear Gortex and talk about retirement savings plans.

On the very large plus side, Victoria is stunningly pretty - we can walk to the beach in 20 minutes, a very temperate climate with less rain than Vancouver, it is the birthplace of Thrifty Foods (my favourite grocery store) and there is a Thrifty's on every corner.

We are very excited about the move and everything seems to be working out to send us in that direction.

We have already bought a house there - more on that in later blog.

We are listing our house this week, the first open house in next weekend. So right now, I am up to my you-know-what in de-cluttering so that we can "stage" our house. And you know how they make it look so easy on those decorating shows? Turning your house into a show home in 22 minutes ...hahahahahahahahahahhahhaha.

So, more to come on the house sale and new home in Victoria and the trials and tribulations of the Vancouver real estate market.

We move in May - Victoria, here we come!